The Jakers Guide to a Gruesome, Horror-Film Death

Here I am, teaching you how to get that horrible, dramatic last moment you've always ALWAYS wanted. So here you go.

Option One
Procedure: Call a fat lady fat. This is absolutely effective and she will scream in rage and she will charge at you with the speed and force of an adult rhino. She will grab your wrist and flip you over with dexterity you never thought possible for a creature as fat as her. Taking advantage of your prone position, she will sit on you.
What the Coroner Will Say: Let's see, the cause of death is... Oh good taco-men! Is that a butt imprint?!

Option Two
Procedure: Call Justin Bieber a girl in front of a Belieber. This option has all sorts consequences and you will never know what will happen. She might jump on you and choke you with superhuman strength. She might bash you into a bloody pulp with her JB-autographed hammer. She might even tie you to a JB-autographed chair with rope woven from Justin Bieber's hair and play every single song Justin Bieber has ever sung at full blast.
What the Coroner Will Say: Hmmm... Bleeding from the ears, teeth ground to bloody chips... I'd say Justin Bieber is the murder weapon.

Option Three
Procedure: Go to a gym and find the biggest guy there. Mention how he's losing tone and is starting to look less macho and more girlish with every passing moment. Laugh in his face like the asshole you are and wait. His pupils will shrink, his arms will tense up and he will pick up a dumbbell and bash your face in. Another possibility is that he will push your face onto the treadmill track and laugh manically as your face gets rubbed away.
What the Coroner Will Say: This reminds me... I have to go to the gym.

Well, that's all for now because a Belieber is waving at me through my window with a manic smile on her face and a saw in her hand.